Confessions of a Psychotically Happy Fox Demon Child…

Last night, I had this crazy dream…

A wish was granted, it could be for anything…

I didn’t ask for money, or a magic pot of gold…

I simply wished for one more day with you…

One more day…

One more time…

One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied…

But then again, I know what it would do…

It’d leave me wishing still, one more day with you…

Yeah…*sighs* I found myself crying in my sleep and when I woke up this morning, I still can’t fully sleep at night…I don’t know why it still affects me so much, even after all this time…why it still hurts so bad, why now I still am so lost and confused…I have a feeling that this won’t go away and it just seems to intensify this pain…I had this dream last night…it felt so real, so powerful…I woke up in a cold sweat and my pillow stained with so many sleepless nights’ tears…it was so powerful I tell you…I could see, touch, taste, feel everything…so real, I wondered as I shot up out of bed so early this morning if maybe that other person was possibley thinking of me at that time too…even for just a moment…but then again, most likely not…staring around my room, in the dark…I got the sense of that deep aloneness again…yeah, that’s right…I’m alone, all alone…I have been…most likely will be for a long while…deal with it…it’s a feeling that I know I most likely have to live with yes…but I don’t like it…it feels cold…unsettling…sad… in my dream, I got to see that person again…but along with them was someone else… even in the dream, I tried to be mature and act strong…be sensible…but deep down inside I knew I was breaking down…I wanted to cry so bad…but I couldn’t show how much pain and suffering I was in…that person made that decision and I can’t force them to change their decision and their feelings…I care and love that person so much…I want them to be happy, even if their well being and happiness doesn’t include me in the end…this person comes first and foremost…I can’t show my pain, my suffering…that would be selfish wouldn’t it? Of course I want to be with this person, I still do, I always will want to…I love them so very much…but my wants and needs aren’t important…that person and their happiness comes first…*sighs*…I’m so confused…this confusion penetrates my dreams even…even tho on the outside, I don’t show that anything seems to be bothering me, I guess deep down inside everything is…I go to school, see my family and friends, part time, try to work on my work, etc…it’s gettin harder and harder day by day to fake that I’m ok…I’m worried that one of these days I might just fully break down and crack and it would be in places not appropriate to show myself for what I really am feeling and like right now…school, work, in front of my family, etc… that would be sad and pathetic and make me seem so weak wouldn’t it? I can’t do anything about what happened…I know that…most all people would say I should move on…but maybe it’s also that fact, that I can’t do anything about it…that it makes me feel even more powerless, worthless, etc…that fact alone makes it seem so much worse…I couldn’t do ANYTHING about it…I’m so confused…part of me is happy and all that this person still makes it seem like I am still important to them and a part of their life by still being my best friend and talking to me every now and then…keeping me updated and informed on how things are going…it makes me happy to know that they still want me to be a part of their life, even if it’s in this small way…but then the other part of me is hurting…another part is angered because I don’t understand, another is depressed; is it me? this whole deal had to have been my fault! Is there something about me? this person broke it off so it must have been me…I did something wrong…is it me? and as always and most obviously, I’m so confused…I don’t want to hurt you…I love you…then WHY did you do this to me?! I still love you! I miss you…again I say, then WHY did you do this to me?! Take a chance with me… I did…I believed so strongly in you, you made be believe…I’m so sorry… I don’t know if I should be the sorry one instead to have so strongly believed in things…I was brought up so high and was so happy, that the fall and the momentum in the end was so fast and hard…the crash of the harsh reality setting in in the end of course left me feeling numb and dead…who wouldn’t die after falling from that height? Looking up at how high up I once was, staring up there realizing the distance and now how distant from my grasp it is from down here…never once did I take being up there for granted…I was totally dedicated to that person, and still very much am…yet it’s funny isn’t it? This person ended up doing what they feared what I might do…even though I told them and was being honest about it… Eres para mi…you’re the one for me…the only one whom my kisses and love is for… the ONE and ONLY one for me… these and more…Etc…all these different thoughts and emotions swirling in a huge mess in my head…Do you get what I mean? *sighs* It hurts more because I love this person so deeply…What am I ever to do? Will this not be settled and this pain go away ever? I don’t know…like about many things now…I don’t know…but what I DO know is that I can’t sleep…I doubt I ever fully will be able to sleep since then and on…

You couldn’t say "Needed someone new…"

You actually thought that deep inside I knew…

…You passed me by…

I’m staring up at the sky…
Praying that she would walk on by…
Where is this girl of my dreams?
I know she’s waiting so patiently…

How does she laugh?
How does she cry?
What’s the color of her eyes?
Does she even realize I’m here?

Where is she, where is she, where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she, who is she, who’s gonna complete my world?

…

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"Is the taste of dreams that have passed the expiration date bitter?" ~Utada Hikaru (Translation from "Time Limit")

You, couldn’t say…"needed someone new"…
You, actually thought, that deep inside I knew?

Just wanted to mention a bit more about the 4chan forum thread thing too since actually that was more really what is bothering me…I feel absolutely horrible and humiliated really…I am not going to name names this time…I just want to get out how bad this really is and how bad I feel…also what sucks is that there really isn’t ANYONE here that I can talk to or hold me and make me feel better or anything else for that matter…life sucks badly…*sighs*

..if it was just the fact that they used my sketches to mock me I could’ve just said "If you don’t like this kinda thing then lay off because it’s something I like to draw, etc…." and just save face…but to tell the truth I can’t…turns out it was mainly ME the person was flaming about and not my work…or just really EVERYTHING about me in general…I feel absolutely humiliated because they ripped and used REAL PICS of me, my pics from here it seems and posted a thread about me…labeling me a "whore" right next to my pics…giving out the wrong impression of me and who I really am to everyone and those who don’t know me…also their giving out my dA page address on the thread and telling ppl to go flame me…Do you have ANY idea how embarassed I am?! and I didn’t even know that thread was running for a while until some nice random deviant who was on the 4chan boards noticed it and told me (thank you by the way to those who saw it and reported it there!!). But that still doesn’t change the fact that that happened and of what I saw on there and I am sure that many ppl all around the world who are on the 4chan boards n what not a lot saw it and most likely now have this image of me that I am some whore when it’s not true and don’t even know me! I CANT HIDE MY FACE BECAUSE MY FACE WAS USED THERE!! I feel so humiliated to be me right now…In fact it got pretty bad…when all this happened I was at school today…turns out one of the art major girls in the school just happened to be browsing 4chan lookin for pose references for stuff and I guess noticed it…later on during school (I don’t know this person btw and have never saw this chick) she spotted me walking out of the computer lab at school I guess and was like "HEY! You’re that dang 4chan whore! I recognize you from the pics!!" Do you know HOW BAD I FELT? To be internationally/publically slandered like this on the world wide web?…Most of the time I just ignore these stupid flames n what not because they’re just stupid meaningly words with nothing to back them up from stupid immature jerks who don’t know me and thus have no right to judge me….but then to be publically humilated like this with my real self/pics of me being used is taking it too far! YOU DON’T KNOW ME SO DON’T JUDGE PLEASE ME! STOP MAKING ME OUT TO BE SOMETHING I AM NOT! This is irritating, annoying, depressing, aggravating all at once…but most of all hurtful…

Also, other sad stuff going on recently:

(Taken from my deviantART journal)

I’m going to be mature about this and not post about this stuff here on dA… if you’re really interested tho in finding out what’s happened PLEASE read my lj then at how upset I am….will update  the entry if anything else n more comes up—></b> http://www.livejournal.com/users/kitsuneoniko/
(It’s also in my Xanga too for those of you who are Xanga users… but the lj one is a lot more complete) What sucks is that I recently just got over being flamed for being les a few days ago…and then someone flaming me calling me some poser before that…gawd does this never end? How depressing this is getting… ^^; (The entry that I am talkin about here is back about 2-3 entries by now in my lj I believe)

~Life is just like a song sometimes…or several in our case! XD

I just want to let you know some things, even though this will probably be quite silly seeming the way I am going to go about it…Anyways…I just want to know “How Ya’ Doin’?” I just want to let you know that I am grateful and happy for your “Precious Love”. I always hope that I can be “Close To You”…Life is quite crazy and busy for the both of us but I believe in the two of us and that we can always “Work Things Out”. I am never going to say “I Don’t Love You” because that wouldn’t be true. I truly TRULY love you and always will. If you ask me why, I bet I can give you WAY more than “100 Reasons Why”! Lol! I know many things “Take A Little While”…Remember that one night when we were talking on the phone all night before we went to bed? You were so cute, both of us singing a little “Lullaby” and some other songs for each other…I told you someday I am going to get a “Ticket 4 Two”, for us to go travel and see the world…and one day, I still believe, and hope you hope so and still want to too, that we will be able to do such. I will never stop “Lovin’ You” and I hop you will never stop loving me. Though everything in life isn’t always “Simple and Clean”…but you know, so long as we are alive and keep striving forward in life there is always hope! I am glad that we can still keep in touch in this –break- and I am first and foremost, that we are always going to be good best friends and you are here for me no matter come what may…Seriously! “I Won’t Last A Day Without You”! Your love is such a blessing to me! Your love and just even the mere thought of you, takes me up so high! Like you could “Fly Me to the Moon” and even waaaaay beyond into forever! I am sorry if I seem silly and so stubborn, lol, to keep putting myself though this, but it’s because I REALLY love you! I can’t help myself, it’s just so “Automatic”…Many people say I should be bitter and try “Movin’ On Without You” but you are a major part of my life NO MATTER WHAT! ^_^ I have such an unconditional love for you. At times I sit “In My Room” and think about things…I want to thank you so much for giving me and showing me this chance in love…You will always be my TRUE “First Love”! I am trying really hard in life and for you and trying my best to be really strong…Trying hard not to fall into the negative side…like growing bitter in my heart. I shouldn’t give up and “Paint It Black” because that wouldn’t make either of us happy eh? Knowing that the other is COMPLETELY sad and down… In the mean time, all I ca do is push on….things will get better again right? I guess for now, only “Time Will Tell”…I will “Never Let Go” of this love because it’s so precious to me. And hey! ^_~ Who knows? As long as we both are alive and here on this earth there can always be “Another Chance”…on can always be hopeful! ^_^ Oh, you just being you and your very love for me…I am so happy to have met you and that you love me…thank you and thank God for bringing you into my life. Especially back then when I was down and out, sad and waiting and searching and asking myself, life, the world and God “Please “Give Me A Reason” to be…” When, like and angel, you came along and lifted me up and gave me life…you helped me believe again…You are my life, my reason! <3 You put “Colors” into my gray dull life! My love will always and only be “For You” Lol! It’s so silly of me huh? That I am so “Addicted To You”…Love is eternal and everlasting…It always endures and goes on…it’s not like a carton of milk that goes sour in the slightest instant when it’s reached its “Time Limit”. Your love has had such a positive influence to me! I see the world in a new and different way, as if through rose colored “Sunglasses”. It is a blessing and miracle as is that we have gone and lasted this far huh? And hopefully, no wait, it’s CERTAIN our love will last “Eternally”…Till we can see each other and be together again…I will try to pass the time by doing other things…Maybe I can go “Play Ball”, do some “Traveling”, go to Japan to relax and enjoy those “Tokyo Nights”, go swimming in and exploring a “Deep River”, go watch some “Parody” movies even! While it can be difficult with this “Distance” and “Drama” from our families, hey! It’s the difficulties that also help make our love stronger! It would be nice if problems could be over and solved “A.S.A.P.” but then things might be taken for granted if it was too easy ne? Things will come around again, just as the “Sakura Drops” and blooms again in time…I still believe in you and me and in us…Yes, let’s still keep in contact, write each other “Letters” and emails and such! It means the world to me that you are still a part of my life and that I am still a big part of yours. This distance between us isn’t a “Final Distance”…Anywho, I don’t know, maybe this is all just the “Devil Inside” me for making me so stubborn XD But…”Can You Keep a Secret?” I LOVE YOU! <3 Always have and always will…And you know what? Just you “Wait and See”…Eres Para Mi! ^_~ Mahal na mahal kita, Chi! Always yours (and yours alone)! ~YOUR Oni <3

PS: I hope to good God you recognized where all those songs are from and who they’re by ^_~

"~Oh how the mighty have fallen…"

I don’t know if these words are enough to express what has happened to me and how I really feel right now…I wonder if this is how Icarus of Greek mythology lore felt…first flying so high up in the sky feeling the warmth of the sun and the gentle, calming breeze…the wonder and awe he must of felt! So high up, so free…so safe from the tortures below…Only to come crashing down, miserably and spiral down through and admist the angelic, soft feathers that once held him so high…spiraling down to a lonely death, to be swallowed up by the cold, dark sea…and what about those damned souls meant to eternally suffer in Tartarus? I once felt as if I was amongst the heavens or at least the Elysian fields! Only to have myself unexpectedly cast into the deep murky abyss that is the Styx river…to only be dregged up in what basically was and is hell…It always seems so difficult to comprehend and cope with what suddenly just happens…I had so much hope and happiness…only to have, like I feared might happen (as it seems to always do) to have it come crashing down on you…like that one poor damned soul of a guy who has to push this huge, heavy boulder up a steep incline…only to, when he finally reaches the top, to have it come crashing and rolling down again…to eternally repeat this painful process forever…and what of poor Tantalus? I can truely say I know how he feels…those grapes and water right before him but always receding when he reaches for them…so near and yet so very far…and last, but certainly not least…what of the poor, dark lord himself? Hades, always dreaming and hoping and waiting for something better, only to wake up and realize that it’s just that? A hopeless dream…only to always wake to this bleak and lonely nightmare of a kingdom which he can never escape…

And I thought the distance was making me hurt enough…this hurts even more…I still love you…

"We can fly…We have wings.
We can touch floating dreams…
Call me from so far–
Through the wind, in the light…"

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I hope these can take me to you too…

Eres para mi…you’re the one for me…

~Mahal na mahal kita…Chi <3~

                 ~Oni

Okay….I really have waaaaaay to many blogs n what not so I am not goin to post much here… if you really want to know all about me and my so called life:

Mah art: http://oniko.deviantart.com/

My xanga journal randomness: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=KitsuneOniko

My RP character is KitsuneOniko on www.gaiaonline.com/

I’m also on www.myspace.com if you’ve a myspace account…Look me up! (My name is the same there…)

Before I wrap this all up for now, I’d like to say… Mahal na mahal kita, Chi!! <3

Well…laters all! ^_~ I think I MIGHT post some pics n work of mine here on Friendster soon…                     

~Oni ^_~